“Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.”
Home no longer really exists, so I feel like a nomad. I am in transition in every sense of the word.
I wish this season wasn’t so hard. I wish transition and learning a new language and healing from brokenness were all easy.
Instead, I think it’s all catching up to me.
A few weeks ago, I was experiencing an accumulation of events that made me question so many things…why did I come here? What’s the point? Where is God in all of this? Because while I was on my way to the office the other week, sobbing on the bus, getting all sorts of funny looks from a couple cute elderly Turkish women, I didn’t feel like being here. A life of sacrifice is a really glamorous idea until you actually put it into practice.
I really wish I could say that God has reached into the depths of my brokenness and restored me, but I haven’t experienced that yet.
I am clinging to the promises of God that say that I am never alone, that He will never forsake me, that He is for me and not against me. I believe it, and I’m holding onto that, but it can be so hard sometimes.
Sometimes, like it says in Hosea 6:1, God needs to let us be broken so that we know how desperately we truly need Him.
All that I know is that following God is not easy, and it never will be, but what it will be is worth it. I would rather be temporarily miserable and following God’s leading than temporarily happy outside of His will.
I realized a couple days ago that it was this week a year ago that I made the decision to move to Turkey. The moment when I couldn’t deny it was God leading me. If I had known then the amount of events that would take place between the decision and the departure, I don’t know if I could have done it. I think that’s why even when we are “sure” that we want to know God’s will is for us, He doesn’t typically tell us details. I am thankful for that now. And sometimes I find it hilarious how capable God seems to think I am when I feel like I’m floundering around. But I’m so glad. He has been teaching me lessons and revealing His love to me in this season like I’ve never experienced before.
I’m taking a class this semester online called Wisdom Literature…and it has been exactly what I’ve needed. My teacher made a comment in a lecture last week that I haven’t been able to forget, and hope I never will;
“There may be shortcuts to wisdom, but there are no shortcuts to depth; sometimes we just need to experience what we say we believe.”
We can say we believe in integrity, in what the Bible teaches as morals and boundaries, what a leader should look like and live like, who God says we are to be and how He says we are to live…but the proof is in the response. How do we respond in trial? How will we respond when we see things that need to change? How will we respond if we are the one who needs to change?
That is where true integrity lies; between the decisions and the departure…
“So you, by the help of your God, return,
hold fast to love and justice,
and wait continually for your God.”
(for a great blog post and devotional about this verse, check out one of my favorite sites She Reads Truth)
But I guess, that’s the thing. There is healing, there is hope, there is greater. When we, like the verse says, hold fast and wait continually for God…we realize we can actually do it. It’s God that pulls through for us, God that calms the storm, God that brings truth and grace.
We have one small task; wait.